Have you ever looked at your kids’ baby pics and just felt so overwhelmed with love, that it felt like your heart could possibly explode? That’s what happened to me today and I cried. Call me crazy. Crazy in love with my dehzonas. They’ve been everything to me and Greg but it hasn’t always been that way.
Life before 2009 was a blur, and somehow, we managed to not mess up our kids. I owe a world of gratitude, a debt that I could never repay to my parents, especially my Mom, for helping raise them when we weren’t able. I’m not proud of the shit I’ve done nor can I take it back but they’ve been our everything since we got life on track and started to really live and be parents. It’s one thing to have kids, quite another to be a parent. Even today, I’m still learning to parent. Parents living beyond the “teens years” should be a medical miracle.
I got a photo of them today from my cousin who lived with us at the time who took the photo and just so happened the kids’ school photos were on the fridge so I placed the other along with it and my heart felt so overcome with love, gratitude and happiness that I get to see them every morning and wish them a good day at school and tell them I love them. Look at those kids!! Those smiles. Oh, my heart! Before, I wouldn’t see them for days and parts of me still feel deep shame for that. I’m sorry my kids.
I looked at the photos, then sat on the couch and cried. Even writing this, the tears well up. So many years taken from them and us, all because of alcohol and drugs. I hate those memories. They stole a mom and dad from their children. I think about my own parents, too, the struggles they faced became my life, too. I don’t blame them for my past. I had choices. I had to choose the right path for me and for our kids and eventually I did. I’m thankful every day.
Soon our son will be graduating and our baby girl the year after. We will have an empty nest and our kids will make their own ways. I trust Creator will guide them, as he’s guided us to today. It hasn’t always been easy but we’ve had each other and that’s the most important thing. I want my kids to know how much we love them, no matter where their lives take them, home and away, they will always come first. We love you so so much.
Kids these days make me a slobbering, emotional mess. I kind of wish they stayed small forever but then the world would never get to experience the great, helpful, smart, funny and adventurous dehzonas we brought into this world. Xo