A Shitty Start

IMG_7512Well, 2018 has proved to be off to a shitty start. There’s been losses of loved ones for my family and that of friends’. There’s so much heartache and grief in our lives that it’s hard to see beyond the pain. How do we go on living a life of health and happiness when we experience so much grief, sadness, pain and heartache?

I don’t know the answers. Is there a right answer? How do we help those who suffer endless pain and loss? What is the right way? Is there a right way? So many questions, so little answers. All I know is that I’ve come to the conclusion for me. I have to say good-bye in my own way. Grieve in my own way and participate in my way. I can’t attend another funeral. I can’t. I’m tired of death. There’s so much of it.

I sat here this morning thinking about all that’s happened in this first week; it’s been the start of a new year which is supposed to be celebrated with hope and rejuvenation, yet I worked on a memorial for a family member and held a friends’ hand as she cried for the loss of her young son, all while I celebrated our daughter’s sixteenth birthday and an important milestone in her life, getting her learner’s license. All this in one day. ONE DAY!

I’ve lost count of the funeral’s I’ve attended and the memorial’s I’ve made to honour the life of loved ones in my years. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve cried because of death. Death has become normal, numbing and expected. It’s madness. Yet, here I am. Alive and well. I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful I can see the light of day, see my kids another day and hug my family one more time. Not everyone can say that and for that, my heart hurts for my friends and community. I question what is going on, why is this happening, why them, why us, why, why, why? I don’t know the answers but I believe in a higher power and that when it’s our time, it’s our time. Someone in heaven needed the departed more and that somehow, the living, will heal with time. Through pain, heartache, time and prayers, healing will come. This I believe to be true.

I hope that those hurting today, including my family, find peace and healing. I fully acknowledge that it won’t come easily, or quickly, but with time and patience, broken hearts will heal, even though, it may feel like that will never happen. I pray for our departed loved ones who went before us. As much as we wanted you to stay, you had a higher purpose in Heaven and for that, we had to let you go.

As crappy as the start of 2018 has been, there’s also been good things, too. As I said, our daughter celebrated her sweet 16th birthday, got her learner’s license, our son’s grad photo proofs came in, I booked tickets to see Tony Robbins in March with my mentor and aunt, and I’ve been busy with not one, but TWO, new puppies who make me crazy and happy at the same time. I have not given up hope that 2018 is going to be great and better than last year, albeit the shitty start. I am hopeful. Full of hope. Full of love for life, my family, friends and community. Bless us all. Together we can get through anything, including all the pain that’s before us, in this moment. Healing will come.



“It is kind of shocking when your world falls to pieces and everything and everyone around you carries on with life. How can the birds continue to sing? How can people carry on loving life? It is like you become frozen in time and are now watching life like a movie. As the weeks and months roll by, life becomes more real again, but you will never forget that point in time where life stood still.” – Zoe Clark-Coates, from http://www.sayinggoodbye.org


I love you, Gregory, Ashton and Danielle. Forever and always.

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Read and you will know who I am.

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