It’s Monday. I’ve been meaning to write on Sundays because it’s a “down day” whatever that means? I just like to make stuff up so it’s easier to procrastinate then I end up doing other things and realize it’ll have to wait until tomorrow so here I am, it’s ‘tomorrow’.
There’s been so much on my mind lately. Coming, going, being present, my future, self-worth and values, and, and, and. So it goes. Usually when I have those thoughts, my instinct is to write but then the filters in my head go off, and I get the “I’ll do it laters”. Then when I write, I don’t know where to start?! So many things in my head and heart.
Anyway, here I am. It’s Monday in case you missed that part. Who knows? Maybe you have a ‘case of the Mondays’. The puppies are asleep (must be nice), I’ve had my breakfast and coffee and shoveled snow. Being outside with the fresh air sure makes a difference in how I feel, it’s refreshing. It’s like when you realize that it’s all small stuff and you exhale the bullshit. Ahhhh!
What am I trying to say? I guess it’s just that I feel thankful for clarity. It hasn’t come easily but I’ve continued to do the work. I attend regular counseling because who couldn’t use a good bitch session? I smudge and pray. I seek out my supports for their feedback and try to talk my way through the hard stuff. I have a great support system. I mean, the best, you know lifers? Those people. They’re great. I highly suggest you seek out those people in your life, too. It’ll do wonders.
With clarity and I guess, age, I’m able to see things differently than I did 1, 2, even 5 years ago. With each death our community has suffered, I’ve come to appreciate life and genuineness. I don’t care for small, petty, dramatic stuff. Yes, I still get amped up about things that grind my gears, but usually after I’ve had time to reflect, I am quick to realize that it does NOT matter.
All that matters is my husband, kids, parents and how I make my way in this world. Am I hurtful to others? Am I being a leader for my kids? Am I setting healthy boundaries for myself? Am I helping or being kind because it’s the right thing to do or am I seeking some kind of reward? Is my ego in check? Why do I care about that or this and is it my business? Most of it is not my business. I better recognize!
All these things are constant work and with each passing day, I try to do better and be better and some days, I put it off until tomorrow. I owe it to my ancestors, kids and future grandkids to pave a good path for our future generations. Every day is an opportunity to do the right thing, be kind, helpful and loving, and when mistakes are made, admit my wrongdoing and apologize and move on. Let shit go. Nothing else matters but right now. All we have is this moment. Life is so short and I certainly do not want to spend my days amped up about things that are none of my business and seeking approval from external sources when all that matters is what I, my husband and kids think of me. Who the hell cares what “Jenny from the block” thinks of me? (I thought that sounded better than Jane or John Doe)
I have a good life. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, clean water, a bed to sleep in, a loving family, three dogs, and CLARITY. More so than I’ve ever had in my life and for that, hell yeah! Forty-something is the new 20-something, I say! Haha. To end, I wish you a good and clear day. Focus north! (Only my close friends will get that last part and that’s ok.)
Peace! Blog to you soon.