Old Behaviors Die Hard

I woke to a bad dream at 4:00AM. I dreamt of the past, things that I’m not proud of and with that, the same feelings came rushing back which woke me up. It’s almost 8 and I still feel the feelings. Ugliness inside. Occasionally, I feel pangs of shame and regret of all the things I’ve done to the ones I love – mostly, Greg, our kids and my parents, who never gave up on me.

I am not sure if the dream has anything to do with me taking part in the Recovery Through Expressions program last night offered at FNFN, which I loved, by the way. I’m happy I went. Art is healing and peaceful, too. I’m really happy I got out of the house and did something I’ve never done – that’s twice in one week, might I add! Says a lot about my 2018 goals.

I went thinking it was about addiction and recovery and wasn’t sure how I felt about talking about addiction after all these years but soon realized it was not that at all. It was about whatever we wanted it to be. I felt like part of it was dealing with my Grandma’s passing and the whole grieving process but ended up sharing how I’ve been feeling lately and thinking about that old life. The life I used to love and live for. The life where I didn’t have to be responsible and could drown all my issues in alcohol and drugs.

You’re probably wondering what my pictures above mean. Well, so am I. The pretzel documented how I was feeling about being at the program, which sums it up pretty well. The middle photo was the outcome of the ‘recovery through expression’ piece and to sum up my piece, is the last image. I am happy I went. I got to talk and laugh with a fellow member who I don’t get to see that often and just take some Renee time. It was good. I look forward to more programs like that.

But, back to that dream. I am not sure what it all means but I do know it was a good reminder of why I chose sobriety. I hated myself in those dark days and some days, I still do. I’m still learning compassion, love and patience for myself. I know that was not the real me. The real me is the me you see today – learning, healing, growing. I’m really thankful for my family who loved me anyway and never gave up on me. That life is a part of who I am and that will never change but today, I’m happy that my old behaviours in that dream, were just that – a bad dream. I woke up sober, healthy, knew where I was, and got to see my kids before school. That is the life worth living.

Watching Shameless at 7:00AM probably doesn’t help improve the mood but that too, is a good reminder of why I’m grateful for today. Haha!

Bless you all on this beautiful winter day.


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