How would I feel if things were easy? Would I be happy? Would I be miserable? What is happy? What is sad? What is an easy life? Is it real? What does easy even mean? I’m sure everyone has their interpretation of what life is supposed to be like but what’s mine?
I imagine life differently but all I know is what I know. How can things be different, when this is all I know?
I know life can always be better. I know I can try and do better, work harder and there’s always room for improvement but what am I striving for, if anything at all?
What if this is what I strive for? What if this is where I’m supposed to be?
I can hear the wind in the trees. It dries my tears. I hear dogs bark, birds chirp, motorbikes zooming by and yet my thoughts are of this time, this moment. What is next? What is beyond this moment?
What is even happening? Life seems insanely crazy these days. My mind and heart are not aligned and I feel at odds with life.
It’s been a while since I’ve attempted to write. A lot has been happening since I last wrote. I don’t even recall what I last wrote. The husband and I started updating the yard with a fence and a new coat of paint on the house (or modular home), but then I got a call for surgery. Within two days of getting the call, my palm was cut open and I was having carpal tunnel surgery in another province. Aside from that, surgery completely halted any further yard/house work we were doing because it’s near impossible to go to the bathroom, let alone paint a house. I probably picked the worst time to have the surgery but I have relief from pain and numbness so that’s the plus side of it all.
Day after surgery
After stitches came out – gross!
On top of all that, our community is divided and things are quite contentious because for one, it’s an election year and two, members are not being heard by the people they elected nor are they being consulted. I am saddened that this is the best our Council and Administration can do. It’s as if the members don’t matter. Election years suck. Rez politics suck. One dimensional leaders suck. Dictators suck. No matter who’s on Council, no one wins, especially when you have a select few people doing what they think is best for the overall nation without proper consultation. As Indigenous people we complain to governments and corporations about proper consultation yet don’t practise what we preach in our own communities and governments. Today, I’m making a conscious effort to focus on more important things, like my son’s upcoming graduation.
OUR SON IS GRADUATING!! Again, my first-born child is graduating!! Let that sink in. Imagine the craziness that alone brings. I’m losing my mind. My heart can’t deal. I don’t want my kids to grow up but I don’t have a say in the matter. They’re growing up and becoming their own people, young independent adults. It’s scary, heartbreaking, joyous, and exciting times. My husband and I didn’t graduate so this is a momentous occasion for us, somehow we didn’t completely mess up our amazing kids with addiction and chaos. Thankfully, we rose above for them and for ourselves. Our kids deserve so much better than we had and I’m so extremely grateful for my parents and family who helped shape our son and daughter in to the really awesome teenagers they are. I just know they’re going to do really great things with their lives. Sigh…transitions.
What else is there to say? Transitions. Transitioning. “The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.” Married with kids to married with no kids (at home). Kid-less. It’s mind-numbing and overwhelming to think of a life that involves only two people (mom and dad) where there were four (our son and daughter). What’s next for us as a couple? I don’t know but it’s going to be weird and it’s kind of funny to imagine. Life, one day at a time with the love of my life is all I can be sure of right now. I’m optimistic that whatever comes our way, we will deal with it and we will be ok.