An apology is owed.
I have said many things and participated and done many things that have played a part in the negativity and division in and around our community. I want to apologize for my part. I do not speak on behalf of anyone but myself – not my family, friends or acquaintances. I am responsible for my actions and for that I apologize.
I have thought about this for the last little while, since the forum really, and have gone back and forth about whether to even bother with this post but for my own peace, I am saying sorry for my part in all of it. Sorry to anyone I hurt, affected, or who felt bullied and harmed by my words and/or actions. I am sorry.
There is no excuse for my actions and words. I can’t take back what I said. In the moment, I meant them. I had to have; I don’t just randomly say things for nothing. I was angry, frustrated, resentful and outraged at the actions of people and events, but in looking back, it was more than anything they’ve done. It’s many things piled up over time but again, no excuses, I said them and I meant them. What kind of apology is that you ask? I said them and meant that at the time, BUT I could have handled things differently. I didn’t have to go online or talk shit about people with people.
Do I hate the things that go on in our community? Yes. Do I dislike some people and/or their actions? Yes. Do I disagree with council actions and outcomes? Yes. Do I have a right to hurt others privately or publicly? No. I have said hurtful things and really, none of it should have gone further than my own thoughts. I can feel things, even think things but I don’t have a right to post them about or say them out loud. Why pass on my shit to others? Why put that negativity on anyone? Why do I think others need to hear my thoughts about so and so and what they’re doing or not doing? Why is my opinion the right opinion? It’s not and I know that. I have the right to feel the way I want about issues in our community, but I do not have the right to hurt others with my words or actions. I was foolish for taking sides and believing that what I was saying and doing was ok. It was never ok.
I believe people have the right to stand up for themselves but how you do it is something else. I could have handled things differently. This apology and post is in no way saying we should accept things the way they are if we don’t like them. What I’m saying is, there are better ways to deal with them and make our voices heard. It’s also up to us to decide how much energy we want to put in things that could possibly never change. It’s all about thinking things through. Something I’ve not done clearly, obviously.
I’m not sure if I’m being clear because I don’t want to try to justify an apology or excuses for my behavior, words and/or actions. I’m saying sorry because I know what I said and done was wrong. That is not who I am. I’m not a hateful person nor am I willing to waste any more time or energy on politics and other issues that are not my business or that do not have a direct impact on my life. What people do with their lives is none of my business. My focus is my life and my family. All the other stuff is secondary and is not owed my time, attention or energy. Politics will always be a hot topic in our communities and frankly, nothing will change. So, that being said, I’m letting go and moving forward. Releasing the beast that is politics and other related issues.
The saying rings true: if we want respect, we must give it. I know that’s easier said than done especially when it comes to rez politics but it is what it is – people vote, people get elected, people are happy or complain and then it happens all over again come next election time. I remember reading a Facebook memory of mine and it said: “I have a deeper appreciation for those who serve on Council because I can now say I know what it’s like.” Well, come election time, those thoughts were lost on me but the reminder prompted in me, the right thing to do. Apologize. Thank you for your service, Councillors. We may not see eye to eye on things but you did the best you could, just as we all are. I wish the next council luck and success, too.
I don’t expect people to forgive and forget or even accept my apology but so long as I clear my head and heart of the wrongs I’ve done against others, that is all I can do to make things right in myself. I’ve come too far in my life, my journey, my healing to allow hatred, negativity and my opinion to hurt others and get the best of me. I can and will control how I voice my concerns. Sure, things slip, I get heated, I forget but these little reminders of who I am pop back up and remind me to do the right thing. I know who I am and that is not who I was raised to be. Love life and it will love you back, even if you don’t agree with people, places and things.