What a day it’s been. Never mind this year. Today was challenging. There’s stuff happening and I can’t fix them. There’s also things that I can fix so part of what happened today was out of frustration with myself. I won’t go in to detail because that’s my personal business but I can happily report, I chilled the fuck out.
When I think back to this year and where I’m at today, it’s been a roller coaster for sure. My mental health has taken a beating, and still there’s down days, but they’re fewer and farther in between. I’m thankful for that. I wouldn’t wish anxiety and depression on anyone yet I am sure 1000s of people go undiagnosed every day. I think back to a year ago, when I left my job of 4 years and what a mess I was in, refusing to succumb to such a thought. “Me? Depressed? But I’m not! I’m just stressed. I’m not sitting around crying all day.” That’s what my thought of depression was. Little did I know, every symptom I had was exactly what depression is. Hmmph.
I’m ok to talk about it now. I’m not ashamed of it. It was years and years of built up stress, trauma, grief, addiction, shame, guilt, everything!! Pushed down and pushed down until I couldn’t stuff anymore down that it caused me panic attacks before work, shaking, nervousness, headaches, and emotional roller coasters. Add to that a troubled work environment and the thought of my son graduating and leaving home and my husband being at camp, I wonder how I wasn’t hospitalized, seriously. It was madness.
Now, just over a year later, I am the owner of my own business, still doing what I love to do on my terms. I have more time to get things done, in a time that suits me. I’m grateful for my husband’s endless support and love, and for his compassion and patience. I am thankful that my kids were patient too. I was a real asshole some days. Surprise right? Ha. The three of them will read this and probably think, “some days?!”
I had planned to talk of my year but I guess that sums it up. It was eventful to say the least. Mental health issues puts everything into perspective for sure. I am so grateful I can talk about the issues and support those going through similar issues. I get it. Every situation is different and I’m not a medical professional but sometimes just talking shit out helps. I’m thankful I have people in my life who would drop everything to just listen. If I can do that for one person than I will. Sometimes all we need is a friend.
I’m looking forward to 2019 with my eyes and heart wide open. To that, cheers! Let’s make the most of these last weeks of 2018.