More or Less

We made it home after three nights in Fort St. John for the Walk in Balance conference. Coming home is always a welcome sight. Now that our kids are older the puppies are the most happy to see us, haha. We love coming home to our kids, Mom’s dinners and fresh laundry, and these crazy puppies.

I feel like I should be writing more for you but I’ve been distracted so I recognize the importance of tackling writing first thing in the morning when my mind is fresh and alert. The ideal time is not laying in bed, on my phone, in my pajamas, ready for bed. My mind becomes jello at this hour, so my apologies.

Today marks my ninth year of sobriety, and I got to spend my morning in a women’s healing circle. That’s pretty swell if you ask me! I shared through some tears but not sad tears, tears of empathy. What we go through as women is often suffered in silence because we’re too busy taking care of everyone but ourselves. I heard the pain of the women in our circle and my heart feels that. I know what it’s like to lose a loved one and to fight addiction. I also heard the strength of those women who were still moving forward despite the struggles. Indigenous women are resilient and strong. We are the lifeblood of our communities.

I didn’t get to see everyone I’d hoped to see and talk to because we left right after the circle but all in all, it was a good day and great 3 days overall. I’m happy we were able to go with Shawna’s (and NENAN’s) help. Thanks Shawna.

Good night, relatives.

Renee

Reconciliation

Did I spell that right? Rec-on-cil-i-ation.

I’m tired and it’s late so I’m simply going to share something Chastity Davis said today that hit me right in the gizzards. She asked, “What do you need to reconcile within yourself before you can offer reconciliation to the world?”

Wow, right? POW, right in the gizzards! I am thankful for today. Thankful for this amazing day amongst my relatives in Treaty 8 territory, the home of our people.

Before I go, I leave you with something else Ms. Davis shared that was shared with her also, “You are the healer you’ve been waiting for.” Meaning, everything we need to heal ourselves is within us, we just have to do the work. So, so true. How do I know it’s true? I know it’s true because I’ve done the work and the work continues, every day. It never ends. We are always “a work in progress” because there is always room for improvement. Every day is a new day to learn and grow; a gift to us from the Creator. I am thankful.

Again, one last time…

“What do you need to reconcile within yourself before you can offer reconciliation to the world?”

Good night, world. Be kind to one another. Thank you for your words today, Chastity. I look forward to exploring that question more for myself.

Renee

 

 

United We Stand

Day one of Walk in Balance 5 in Fort St. John with Greg comes to a close. We are both lounging in our hotel room after a great day. I can see the beautiful blue, orange and black sunset sky out the window. I feel content in my heart. Life is good.

It’s a beautiful thing to see so many Indigenous people united for the benefit of all. Our future generations depend on us to lay down the path for them and these conferences and teachings help us do that. Each of us has a responsibility to take these teachings back to our community and move forward in a good way. I am thankful for these opportunities.

I look forward to these next two days. I’m proud to be here, among our people, learning and growing. I am proud to be exactly who Creator made me to be ~ a Dene woman.

Life is good in the North. Good night.

Renee

You’re Worth It

When is the last time someone told you you matter? You do.

As my husband and I drove down the highway, headed south on our adults-only adventure, I got to asking him about the things he values and what he has to offer this world and it stunned me to hear he didn’t feel he brought value. My heart physically hurt and I started to cry. He held my hand as I spoke through the tears.

I cried because I know he has so much to offer this world and Creator gives each of us, including him, purpose when we’re born. He brings value to everyone around him but I also realize he’s not alone in those thoughts. For so many years, I thought that about myself, too. I felt I wasn’t destined for much more than where I was in those dark times.

Growing up on the rez with alcoholism everywhere we looked, experiencing traumatic ordeals regularly and enduring grief and loss endlessly, it is hard to see value, hope, and light at the end of the tunnel. It is hard to see our worth or purpose. It is there, though. No matter the hell we’ve been through, we all have a purpose here on earth, to teach, learn, grow, heal, help and love others.

No matter the hell we’ve been through, we all have a purpose here on earth, to teach, learn, grow, heal, help and love others.

I talked to my husband through tears about post traumatic stress disorder and the symptoms around that and how often we are reminded physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually of the damage caused to us by all the traumas in our lives. Moreover, that we have choices to let those experiences control and dictate our lives or not. I told him how much he has to offer this world, his kids, family and community. I told him how proud he should be of all that he’s overcome. He is of great value to me and our kids.

To summarize it all, I want you to know how much you matter. You, you and you, too. We all bring great value to this world just by our presence. I hope you feel that deep in your soul. No matter your circumstances, you matter, and don’t you dare let anyone tell you different. The world is a better place with you in it.

Thankfully we made it safely to our destination and get to spend some quality time learning and growing with one another over the next few days. Good night.

Renee

Late Night Thoughts

As I lay here in the dark, husband sleeping next to me, washing machine making noises down the hall way, I wonder what the future holds for us. Particularly, my husband and I.

By 2019, both kids will be graduated high school and making their own plans but what does that mean for us? I’ve struggled with that in these last few months, especially after Unleash the Power Within. What’s my future hold? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? What’s going to make me happiest? What am I going to do to make shit happen? I keep seeing and hearing the quote in my head:

“Who were you before the world told you who you had to be?”

I feel like I’ve never really lived my life for me. I haven’t even really lived life at all yet. Growing up, I lived under my parents rules and guidance, as most kids do. I started doing my own thing early on in my teens, which lead me to a life of drugs and alcohol for many years, resulting in my life being ruled by addiction. During those years, I was wasn’t living at all, more like barely surviving. Then when we had kids, addiction continued, and still we weren’t really living. Once in sobriety our lives became fully and completely about our kids. So as you see, our lives were never really ours to live, until now, as our kids have gained more and more independence over time. Funny how that works, the older they get, the less cool we become. Go figure!

That’s not to say we haven’t had some really amazing experiences with our kids because we most definitely have. Choosing sobriety allowed us to save money to take them places we only dreamed about, and experience those people, places and things, as a family. We all got to go to Disneyland as a family for the first time together. What a memorable time! That was living. The excitement. The challenges. The adventure. The first-time experiences. That was living!

As I’ve gotten older and with each death we experience in our community, I’ve realized how limited our time on earth is. In less than 20 years, I’ll be 60, I am running out of time to do all the things I want to do. I want to live fully! So many years have been spent coasting through life while it passed us by. It’s time! Time to saddle the fuck up, get my shit together, and get on with living! It’s not enough to say it or write it. It’s about getting shit done!

So with that, the hubs and I are off on a little Mom and Dad-only adventure this week to kickstart our get busy living or get busy dying plan. I choose the get busy living option! Each day is a new day to start fresh and get living! Let’s live! Whooo!

I don’t even know if I made sense but in my head and heart it does. I just know it’s time for us to wake up every day, embrace life and choose to give it our all. We deserve so much yet we expect so little from ourselves that we cheat ourselves from really living the lives we want and deserve.

Good night.

Renee

Celebrate Every Day

Today marks my husband’s eighth year of sobriety. It has gotten much easier but it hasn’t always been so. We struggled through a lot of shit to get to today. We made it here together.

I remind him often how much I love him, how thankful we are for him, and how grateful we are for this life we have. The one thing we don’t do as a couple is celebrate our successes enough, though. The little successes matter just as much as the big ones.

Like tonight, just so happened we got tickets to Green River Revival, a CCR Tribute Band, and so we invited family to come along and we had a good time, with lots of laughs and loud tunes. I don’t remember the last time him and I went out anywhere together, gussied up and had fun with other adults. Made me realize how important it is to celebrate more often, no matter the occasion, just celebrate. Celebrate our lives, happiness and health. That ought to be enough, to celebrate every day.

Back in the day, we’d get drunk and high to celebrate and celebrate getting drunk and high, it was a lose-lose situation. Now, we can enjoy the good times without drugs or alcohol and remember the whole night. YES! I don’t miss those old days. We have a really good life and I am happy to celebrate that, every day. We deserve it.

I love you, my Lomens. I love this life with you. I’m grateful every day that Creator gifted me with the three of you.Good night.

Renee

They All Count

This is still a post, so it counts.

I’m tired. When I’m tired, I get grouchy.

When I’m grouchy, I can’t get “in the zone”.

When I’m not “in the zone”, I can’t write or be creative.

When I can’t write or be creative, you get posts like this. K? Cool.

Peace out. Sleep tight and so will I. Tomorrow is a new day to start fresh. YES!!

Renee