A Shitty Start

IMG_7512Well, 2018 has proved to be off to a shitty start. There’s been losses of loved ones for my family and that of friends’. There’s so much heartache and grief in our lives that it’s hard to see beyond the pain. How do we go on living a life of health and happiness when we experience so much grief, sadness, pain and heartache?

I don’t know the answers. Is there a right answer? How do we help those who suffer endless pain and loss? What is the right way? Is there a right way? So many questions, so little answers. All I know is that I’ve come to the conclusion for me. I have to say good-bye in my own way. Grieve in my own way and participate in my way. I can’t attend another funeral. I can’t. I’m tired of death. There’s so much of it.

I sat here this morning thinking about all that’s happened in this first week; it’s been the start of a new year which is supposed to be celebrated with hope and rejuvenation, yet I worked on a memorial for a family member and held a friends’ hand as she cried for the loss of her young son, all while I celebrated our daughter’s sixteenth birthday and an important milestone in her life, getting her learner’s license. All this in one day. ONE DAY!

I’ve lost count of the funeral’s I’ve attended and the memorial’s I’ve made to honour the life of loved ones in my years. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve cried because of death. Death has become normal, numbing and expected. It’s madness. Yet, here I am. Alive and well. I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful I can see the light of day, see my kids another day and hug my family one more time. Not everyone can say that and for that, my heart hurts for my friends and community. I question what is going on, why is this happening, why them, why us, why, why, why? I don’t know the answers but I believe in a higher power and that when it’s our time, it’s our time. Someone in heaven needed the departed more and that somehow, the living, will heal with time. Through pain, heartache, time and prayers, healing will come. This I believe to be true.

I hope that those hurting today, including my family, find peace and healing. I fully acknowledge that it won’t come easily, or quickly, but with time and patience, broken hearts will heal, even though, it may feel like that will never happen. I pray for our departed loved ones who went before us. As much as we wanted you to stay, you had a higher purpose in Heaven and for that, we had to let you go.

As crappy as the start of 2018 has been, there’s also been good things, too. As I said, our daughter celebrated her sweet 16th birthday, got her learner’s license, our son’s grad photo proofs came in, I booked tickets to see Tony Robbins in March with my mentor and aunt, and I’ve been busy with not one, but TWO, new puppies who make me crazy and happy at the same time. I have not given up hope that 2018 is going to be great and better than last year, albeit the shitty start. I am hopeful. Full of hope. Full of love for life, my family, friends and community. Bless us all. Together we can get through anything, including all the pain that’s before us, in this moment. Healing will come.

Xo,

R

“It is kind of shocking when your world falls to pieces and everything and everyone around you carries on with life. How can the birds continue to sing? How can people carry on loving life? It is like you become frozen in time and are now watching life like a movie. As the weeks and months roll by, life becomes more real again, but you will never forget that point in time where life stood still.” – Zoe Clark-Coates, from http://www.sayinggoodbye.org

 

I love you, Gregory, Ashton and Danielle. Forever and always.

It’s 2018!

It’s 2018! Hello, new year and new beginnings! I’m so happy to see you.

I don’t want to start my new year by dwelling on the past but 2017 was something else, I tell ya. Wow. That. Is. All. Good bye!

What’s so great about 2018? Well, for one, I have my voice, freedom and health back. My health took a beating but I’m definitely better than I was so 2018 is off to a great start already. Secondly, there are no limits to what I can do. I’m open to what the universe will provide and so I’m getting out of my own way and going to be present, with my eyes and heart wide open!

Let’s sparkle this place up! I’m excited and I hope you are, too. Life is short, be kind, live large and love plenty.

R

Abundance

It’s day 6 of my 29 days of giving. I decided I wouldn’t write every day, otherwise, I know I’ll get ‘over it’ very quickly.

Day 5 and 6 resulted in my paintings as my gifts to a friend yesterday and to my Mama, today. I made them with love and prayed with them before gifting them. I hope they bring them both happiness.

I’ve been thinking about what to write for day 5 and 6 and turns out I’ve been seeing little things that are signs of abundance and purpose, letting me know I’m on the right path, like this book title that caught my eye at the public library. In the sea of books, this caught my eye. Abundance, the future is better than you think. Alrighty then! I believe it when I see it! I’m still excited for what is to come.

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I also got to have a heart to heart with an ex-coworker who is struggling and ensure them that life will be ok and this challenge is nothing that they can’t get through; they’re strong, capable and loved.

I got a call from my Dad tonight, too. Something that’s not happened in a long, long time and he invited the kids and I over for a later dinner of take out P & T. We definitely didn’t miss out on that opportunity and headed over to share his feast. It’s a small gesture and Creator knows I needed that tonight. I’m going to bed with a grateful heart.

To round out these last few days with signs of abundance and gratitude, we also got a call from our Saskatchewan kiddo today! He made my day. He sounds so good, healthy and happy. We can’t wait to see him.

Anyway, I’m trying to stick to my regular sleep schedule, so I better get off here, read and head to bed. While I was at the library the other night, when Abundance caught my eye, another book also caught my eye and so far I’m loving it! It’s called “The Kindness Diaries: One Man’s Quest to Ignite Goodwill and Transform Lives Around the World.” That’s my goal, too, but for now, I’ll start right here at home.

Life is nehzoo. Good night.

R

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Snow Thanks

It’s day 4 and there’s been a snowfall warning issued which means I stayed home all day while it snowed buckets.

The upside of this snowy day is I painted! Yay! It’s such a great stress reliever, I love it. In case you’re wondering, I’m not a painter. Haha, I just like to paint. I highly recommend it. Soothes a snowed in soul for sure.

During a break, I made buns and the kids liked them so that was a bonus, too. The only thing was the recipe only made 6 buns so we all got two each.

For my gift today, I gave my last bun to Lynda. She deserves it. I really could never repay her for all she’s done for my journey, so I try to bring her treats and supper when I can. Today I had one bun left and I wanted to share it with her.

I really owe her so much more than treats, supper and buns because Lynda has supported and encouraged me in all areas of my life for a long, long time and I’m so grateful. I know she knows how much I appreciate her but it’s also important to remind her because we’re all deserving of acknowledgement and praise for the work we do, even when we’re ok with not receiving it.

Mahsi, thank you, Lynda.

Before I go, I have to share the good that came in to my life today. Give, get, abundance, remember!?

Well, before I went to see Lynda, I asked my son to shovel the walkway and when I left, noticed he shoveled a path right to the side of my vehicle door so I didn’t have to trudge through the snow. How great is my son?! He’s so great and treats his Ma so good. I’m blessed and less stressed and life is freakin’ fabulous.

Good night.

R

Life is Nehzoo

It’s day 3. I have to admit there was some stress over the gift and who the gift would go to. I had no idea what the gift would be let alone who I’d give it to once I figured out what it would be!Most Saturdays I rarely go out, oh my, I thought.

I slept in and did the usual when I got out of bed – let out the dog, made coffee, tidied up. I made some breakfast and decided I’d move the living room around. Not really though, it just went back to the way it was before I moved it the last time.

By then, it was afternoon and I agreed to take my Ma to pick up the pies she bought from the local fundraiser “Grandma’s Pies” and ended up staying for the meat draw so I could see Freddy. I’m happy I stayed, I didn’t win meat but I won $40 on Keno and I got to see Freddy, laugh till my cheeks hurt and give him a big hug before we left. Oh, and I got a meat slap. Frickin’ Freddy!

By 4pm, I still hadn’t gifted anything but shortly after getting home, I had a family member stop by out of the blue and I listened as they vented about life and stress and realized this was my gift. Listening. Being supportive. Helping out to ease their stress. Being present. Gifts are gifts. I don’t believe a gift has to be tangible to be considered a gift. Time, love and help is just as important.

Once my family member left, I was able to start supper and then spend some time painting. Both the kids were out, so I had the house to myself to just paint in peace. That’s the gift to me from the universe… Renee time.

In all this, I see things happening and recognize the positive impact the gifting has had so far. I’ve done more things for myself and with others in this last 2 weeks than I’ve done all year. Seriously. I’ve been crafting, visiting, going to the movies, attending community events.. and it’s only going to get better. I’m excited. Still!

But I’m also tired, so good night.

R

Photo by Freddy

Wonder

What a great day that ended with a Wonder-ful movie with my friend Vick (aka Vicky).

I wrote about some of this on my Facebook status so not much more to share but if you’re not on my friends list, this will be new to you.

This is my Day 2 of the 29 days of giving.

I got up. I Facebook’d in bed before rising. Not the best habit, I know. I threw on my ski pants to let out our Cannon dog and breathed in the cold fresh air of our Northern winter. Refreshing!

I made a coffee and painted a rock that I was going to gift today. So much peacefulness in the morning before the rez rises, kids get up and dogs start barking endlessly at mostly nothing. I leisurely paint my rock and sip my coffee.

Then I realize the time, our son has to take his car to the shop, I have to give him a ride, and I have a medical appointment so yeah, the rush is on. Feeling hurried, I decide against my initial thought, and spray it with a clear finish and eek! The ink runs! Errgh!!

By this time I realize I have 10 minutes to make the appointment and the painting is wrecked but think “life isn’t perfect and she will love it the way it is.”

I go to my appointment, turns out I rushed for nothing, and it’s actually at 1:40 and not 9:40, so aha! Miraculously I instantly have more time to fix my rushed artwork (painted rock) and gift it as I’d originally hoped. Do you recall me mentioning how great the universe is and how it’s all just falling in to place?? See! Isn’t it great?

I pick up the kids and treat us to a chocolate covered donut for breakfast because why not?! Psst! Overwaitea’s are the best.

We get home, I paint my errors, we attend Elders lunch at the Health Centre and check out the gym and realize how amazingly awesome it is! If I was working, who knows when I’ve had time or made time. Today, I had and made time! Yess!

First, I gifted a coworker who loves music with some CDs for her travels and got to give her a big hug and have a good talk about the outcome of my leaving and that it’ll be ok. I think people feel sorry for me but in reality, I made the choice and I will be ok. Promise.

Then, finally, I got to gift my perfectly painted rock to Dr. Lupu. I wanted her to know how much I’ve appreciated her help and support this last year. She was the first person I talked to who got what I was going through and when we had that first talk, I finally felt relieved, that I’d have the help I felt I needed. If you see her, maybe the rock will still be on her desk.

Before I gave it to her this afternoon, I held it with both hands, smudged it and prayed to pack it with all the good she deserves so she can continue to help others in our communities. During my visit, I told her how much the book she suggested I read “The Bully at Work”, made sense and made me see that I wasn’t alone and that I had to do what was right for me. It is important to tell the people that impact your life, how thankful you are, and I feel that I did that today. I am so grateful.

She gushed and smiled. She asked what “mahsi cho” means and I told her. She said it was beautiful and didn’t know which side she should have it facing, since it’s painted on both sides. She was genuinely happy for me and for the gift and I could feel it.

So, to end this great day, I got a $50 deduction from my Bell bill and got to go to the movie with my friend, like I mentioned. Its been a great Friday and day 2.

One thought I have is..will I be able to gift every day for 29 days, especially when I like to stay home?! We shall see. If you skip, you start over, as per the book.

Oh yeah, and the other best part of this day?? I talked to my Dad on the phone. It was so good to hear his voice. I love you, Dad.

Thank you, Creator, for this day.

R

You May Now Take Flight

I quit my job of four years today. I rose to the occasion. I left a job I loved and gave my all to. I loved it enough to let it go because I matter.

In the last 2 months I started reading books to take my mind off the things that had been happening at work and low and behold, the universe (and those books) brought me to today. Here I am. Alive and well, still.

I made a choice, accepted the outcome and I am looking forward to what is to come. It’s a new chapter. I woke up this morning knowing what was coming and decided I would pull some cards to get me in a good head space for this day.

My first card, a Sacred Path card, was the Dreamtime card.

“You are being asked to see with unlimited vision. Our world is pregnant with possibilities. You are now being given the ability to go beyond the accepted reality. You may now take flight.”

My second card, a Native Spirit card, was the Tribal Spirit Dancer card.

“Let go. Say yes to life! Unfurl your wings and fly. Cast aside conventions and restrictions. Laugh. Explore. Go beyond your predictable behaviour. You are on the planet to be free. You’re here to explore, expand, and step in to your extraordinary self. Clear out mental and emotional clutter. Move beyond those situations you have outgrown. This is your time.”

When I went to put those cards away, I realized one had been left behind, so as to not mess with the flow, I read that one, too, it was the Nature Spirits card.

“Be open to the wonders of the universe flooding in to your life. Innocence and delight are abounding. Happiness is on its way! Relax. All is well.”

So, tell me how could I deny that the universe/Creator/God is guiding me in the right direction?

I carry on with the last of my cards, the Angel cards, my quick go-tos. I chose the angel Bridgette card. At first, I was skeptical because it didn’t sound too great. Honestly, it sounded like bad news. The card caption read: “Caution is warranted. Look deeper at this situation before proceeding further.”

“You have asked for Heaven’s guidance and it is given. This situation isn’t right for you. Trust your gut feelings, since that is how I communicate with you. Please don’t worry that this situation is the only opportunity available to you. It isn’t! There is something better waiting for you, but first you will have to free yourself. Clearly, it takes courage and faith to leave a situation that you had vested interest in. You deserve situations that are aligned with love, and you don’t have to settle for anything less.”

Wow, right? I know!! I could not have asked for a clearer message than if my angels showed up on my door and slapped me in the face. That surely put some pep in my step and off to work I went. I know it will all be ok just like yesterday’s by-election outcome. The universe had my back then, too. It just wasn’t my time and I’m completely ok with that. When the time is right, I will know.

So, with all that good stuff, I have more good stuff to share, too. Yes! MORE good stuff. It’s crazy how good it already is and I’m only on day one!! DAY ONE, people!

There’s an amazing book called “29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life” and I believe all of t  h  i  s is the result. I read it, I cried and came to the conclusion I am doing the 29 days of gifts and my first gift is going to be to me – I made a final decision about my work woes – I was going to quit. I had to. My well-being is too important to me and to my family to let work consume me one more day. When I made the decision to leave, good things immediately started happening, even before I started the gift giving!

Today, day one, I started giving for real and I’m going to give a gift every day until there’s 29 days done. Maybe I’ll do 29 more, the limits are endless! When I decided I was going to give and be open to abundance, I felt a shift (honestly!) and things have noticeably improved just like that *snap!*! I strongly encourage everyone to read that book. See what happens in your own life. We are worth it. If it helps us and feels good and brings us just as much good in return, the better question is, why wouldn’t we??

I also gifted some of the people I work with and appreciate a final farewell email and told them how much I will miss them and how much I’ve appreciated them, their time and support during my time at FNFN. I will miss my job but nothing compares to taking care of numero uno – me!

Lastly, I also gifted a coworker a card with a warm sentiment appreciating her for her service to our Nation and how much I’ve appreciated her hard work and that she’s remained loyal through all the challenges. She later emailed me said I’d made her cry and thanked me, too. Again, abundance, abundance, abundance!!!

Life is so good. The universe will provide for us granted we believe and are open to the beauty of life and all its gifts. I’m so excited to write and share this journey with you and spend time with my kids and really focus on being present and alive, every day. Onward and upward.

R