Stop This Crazy Train, I Want to Get Off

Stop this crazy train I want to get off. This post is long overdue. I’ve not been myself for a very long time, or at least that’s the way it feels. Aging is hard. Life with teens is hard. Being happily married is hard. Shit is hard or so it seems. In reality, it’s only hard because I’ve not been myself as I mentioned.

I know, I know many people have it far worse than I do and that’s why I should shut the fuck up and be grateful. Don’t get me wrong; I’m so completely grateful for every day, my life, and my family, all of it. It’s just hard to deal with when you’re not feeling yourself and I’m not afraid to admit that. Sure, it’s selfish but that’s ok too. I’ve come to a place in my life where I need to be selfish. I need to take care of me first, so I don’t go completely off the deep end. Cue the crazy train.

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I’m not sure when or where it started but one day I felt good, the next I felt ‘off’. Misery. Whatever you heard about misery loving company is a lie. I hate people. I hate noise. I hate people, places and things. I just want to be left alone. I’m not even joking. Socializing makes me sick. Who knew that was even possible right? Well, now I know. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. There were days where I felt literally crazy, like I was losing my mind, scared of what was happening to me. This is not the Renee I know. Oh but it is, naïve Renee. It is fully and completely you and you are ok, I learn to tell myself that after many days and months of feeling like shit.

Why am I telling you this? Why should you care? You don’t have to care and I don’t have to tell you but if I’ve learned anything about healing, it’s that talking about it helps and who knows? I just might be helping others to learn about themselves, too. I learned that these feelings, anxiety and depression happen to everyone and I’m not unique by any means. Shit right? We all want to be ‘the one’ hey? Well, tough shit.

If I could pinpoint a time when this started, it would be way back when I worked at my previous employer. That being said, it could have been earlier and just not noticed, so there’s no real way to say for sure. Anyway, I was in the shower one day getting ready for work when I felt like I couldn’t breathe suddenly, like the lights started to go out and my heart rate increased at a rapid pace. That morning I went to the emergency room just to be safe and learned I had a panic attack. What? Where the hell did that come from? I felt fine, though!? I was only getting ready for my usual day. What I didn’t know or understand at the time was that my work environment was causing this stress. Naturally, I blamed myself at first until a really awesome and supportive doctor helped me to understand that it was indeed linked to work and it wasn’t my fault. It just so happened that every morning before work I’d feel ‘funny or off’ but I didn’t realize that until much later and by talking these events through with medical and mental health professionals. Ok, so all better right? Nope.

Add the much earlier passing of my Grandma, my son’s graduation, his pending college departure, leaving a job I enjoyed and financial security, taking on two puppies, financial burdens, losing so many loved ones in such a short period of time, and I ask myself, how did I actually not go completely off the deep end? Thankfully I didn’t and I got help in time. I took care of my health and took time to recover. Some days I slept for two to three hours and would still get seven to eight hours of sleep at night. Even up until recently, I still felt ‘off’ and out of sorts but with talking to great supports, I am feeling alive again. That’s not to say, I won’t get in those funks again because it’s possible. Anything is possible, one day at a time, though. Focus on the good.

So what’s my point? My point is that I believe many people suffer in silence. I believe we need to take better care of our mental health. If we break something, we go to a doctor. If our hearts are broken a hundred times, we don’t. We ought to. If you repeatedly hurt or break something in some way, there’s going to be serious damage and sometimes we can’t see that damage but it’s there and it hurts us in other ways like what I mentioned above. Depression kills. Stress kills. Pain kills. Suffering kills. We’ve lost so many people in our community that it’s impossible for everyone to be perfectly ok. That alone is enough to do serious damage to our people and I think that’s prevalent if you just look around. Today, I am ok but I still have deep wounds that need healing, too. Remember, you’re worth it. You matter and your mental health is just as important as any physical health issues. It hurts to look deep inside and open old wounds but what’s on the other side is nothing short of beautiful. We are worth it.

Today, I choose to enjoy this beautiful day and live life on my terms. I’m not crazy, just dealing with healing, that’s all.

 

Renee

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Your Choice, Your Problem

So, I was worried I’d have nothing to write about tonight since I stayed home and worked on the NDK newsletter all day and didn’t really do anything worthy of talking about but then I forgot I have teens and shit hits the fan sometimes, like just now. Surely, writing about my personal stuff that includes my family is one thing but talking about their specifics is not really fair but then I remembered life isn’t fair, so fuck it. If it happens, I’m writing about it. All in the lessons, kids.

Lately and more so now that my teenagers are growing up and gaining their independence, it’s been a bit of a struggle to be a sane and “nice” Mom. History has shown that I am always the bad guy, it’s a shitty job but as the saying goes, someone has to do it. May as well be the one who doesn’t fuck around, even if it means, my kids hate me some days. So be it. Do I love my kids? Abso-fucking-lutely! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be almost losing my mind most days and certainly wouldn’t be writing this.

I asked three, maybe even four, times for 16 to clean up the bathroom and entry way, and it didn’t get done after the third or fourth and final time, so there was some yelling exchanged when I got home from a cruise with Dad. Every teenager knows once it gets to that stage, they risk losing privileges, and what do you know?! The cell was in hand, which seems to be a theme every day these days, so away went the cell phone and that ended the argument with the two parties going their separate ways. Two slamming doors followed. Mind you, it is important to remember that said “bad guy” pays for said cell phone which is a privilege and not a right. Right? Right.

Now what? Well, I’m laying here writing this, and keeping my distance. It’s the smart thing to do. I refuse to acknowledge disrespectful and entitled behavior. When we choose the behavior, we choose the consequences. Done deal. Don’t want to do chores, no cell. Don’t want to go to school, no cell. We are all responsible for our own choices so long as we accept the consequences. I shouldn’t have to ask 3-4 times to do your part around the house. We all live here. Let’s all do our part. What will kids do when they have no adults around to do everything for them? Surely, they will learn real quick won’t they? I can only hope since I know some people (not mentioning any names) can’t live without a cell phone.

Anyway, yeah, so that’s my post for today. Life is tough but I’m tougher. Shit, I’m the parent of two teenagers. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. I’m pretty sure I got balls of steel by now. Lol.

GOOD NIGHT.

Just when you think it’s bedtime, you get a call about 17. Great.

Is it a full moon by chance? Ugh.

Renee

Lessons

Life is short. As I’ve aged I’ve been made fully aware that this statement is all too true. We’ve lost so many loved ones and grieving is endless. So many have gone before us that I have come to recognize the importance of grieving and working through the grieving process, our health depends on it.

What I’ve learned, too, is that I’m capable of grieving in my own way and if I don’t attend a funeral, it’s not out of disrespect but allowing myself to grieve in my own way. I have helped many family and friends with funeral arrangements and some are harder than others, looking at the many photographic memories of the deceased I relive my own memories with that person. Sometimes, I laugh, sometimes I cry. I have learned through years of healing that the person never leaves us, they are just here in spirit, no longer in our physical world. This brings me comfort.

What’s my point? I’m not sure there is one. I am heading to Fort Liard today to listen to an Elder’s story for the Na Deh Kleh newsletter that I created for our people, and I thought about the lessons I’ve learned over the years. Grief is such a big one, the importance of grieving in a healthy way. Listening to the women in the healing circle yesterday and seeing Grandmas cry for their losses, made me think of years of pain our people have endured. It hurts my heart to see a Grandma cry for a child they’ve lost or a Mom cry for her son. Our people deserve to heal.

I remember many a day when I’d get in there and party with the family and friends of a deceased one to celebrate their life after the funeral. What I didn’t know at the time was that addictions stunt our grieving process, so we remain stuck in that time, finding it harder and harder to let the deceased go. Memories are relived and they are like a record player in our minds, stuck skipping. This ends when we stop using and start addressing the pain and start the healing work our bodies, minds and spirits need.

I still feel pain when I recall the good memories of past loved ones, anger when I think they could have been spared life if only they’d stopped drinking/drugging, and I still cry when the tears come. Healing and tears are good. Allow your self to cry but also allow yourself to enjoy life, too, that is what our loved ones would want. They would want us to be happy, healthy and to keep living life.

Healing and tears are good. Allow your self to cry but also allow yourself to enjoy life, too, that is what our loved ones would want.

Before I wrap up, I also want to share that grieving is not only about losing someone we love. Grieving is many things. We grieve when we lose or leave people, places and things. I grieved the loss of my favorite coat, a job I had to leave, and have grieved favorite places I’ve visited. Ahh, the ocean. My spirit aches for the ocean. So find someone to talk about those things, too. Find a professional or a friend you can trust to listen and help you unload some of that pain, so you can live fully today.

I wish for our people to heal all the years of pain, grief and loss. It seems endless for sure but it’s possible to take care of us so the pain does not control our lives or us. Creator intended for us to live in harmony and I’m sure that is what our loved ones, in the physical and spiritual world, want for us, too.

The sun is shining, so bless you this beautiful day. I wish you a great weekend.

 

Renee